Wow...

So.... I'm pretty excited for the next few months. I'm involved in a lot of things with the church and my weeks will be packed like spam in a can!

First on mondays, I am doing the Application Window for Jay's degree, I'm pretty excited for this, my main goal is to come out knowing how to get more out of sermons and actually getting more out of them by applying them to my life!

Second, the Fireproof study is going on and the youth are doing it too for 16 and older, pretty pumped about that!

Third, every month for a saturday the youth seniors are meeting with Casey for a leadership training class.

Fourth, CSU is starting up and I'm really excited to see God working in the school. I'm really hoping that the members will "band together" and become stronger in Christ.

and finally, but definitely not least... YOUTH GROUP ON WEDNESDAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Taking Time to Thank Him

I just wanted to thank God for the talent he has given me in such a short period of time. I love playing my guitar and when I get to praise my Savior, the Creator of the Universe, the One who snatched me from the flames of eternal damnation, with the gift He has given me, nothing puts me in a better place:) The feeling He gives me when I play for Him is just amazing....
Also I want to thank Steve for teaching me all that he has and all to come! It's going to be a great ride!!!!

The Future Holds Many Things... Only God Knows What's in Store for Me...

So firstly... haven't blogged in a while... I think it's about time!

I think you're smart enough to figure out what this blog is going to be about. But, on the off chance you don't, I'll tell you. It's about me being totally freaked out and scared of the future. I'm going to be a senior this year so its time to think about it, freaked out or not...

Well, for starters, I don't really have any idea of what I want to do. I love art and photography and i think it would be totally awesome if I could be a photographer for some magazine and travel all over the world to take pictures of nature, you know, things God's made and formed with His own hands... and then to get PAID to do it... WOW that would be awesome. But, like I've told some people, I haven't really talked to the Big Man Upstairs about it so I'm not sure if that's what I'm going to do.

And then there's college. Which college? What's my major supposed to be? What am I going to study etc.... Questions like these are flooding my mind and I've been shoving them all to this corner of my mind, too scared to approach the answers.

After those questions flood my mind, more questions about Paying for college come up. I've talked to my dad about going into the Air Nat. Guard and stuff like that and I've been pretty excited about it until tonight. He called me, saying "I've just spent three hours with Jared (a friend of ours who's been in the ANG for 4 years now) and we have your life planned out for you." This statement alone scared me... Wait a second, I dont' get a say in it???? and then another question popped in my head, "What about God? Doesn't He get a say in what His creation is going to do?" and I took the phone from my mouth and tried to catch my breath and hold back some tears...

It dawned on me that the future was heading my way, and not just heading my way at the pace I want it to come, but at the speed of a lighting bolt compared to how fast I want to grow up... I realized I need to get focused. I need to get focused on what God wants me to do. on what He needs me to do for His kingdom. I need to change a lot of things in my life to do so too but I can't do that without the strength that Christ gives me, not only to change, but to resist temptation when I am trying to change...

Here come the prayer requests...

• I can change with Jesus' help, or let Him do it entirely if that's what it takes.
• I get my questions answered in the time they need to be answered, not the time i want them answered.
• I don't let my life fall back to where I have been.

Thanks a lot guys... love you all!!!

Calming my Waters

Tonight at Youth, I came early so I could practice with the Praise Band and hopefully play some guitar next week with them. When it got down to the wire Steve asked me if I wanted to play tonight instead of next week, even though we had already determined I wasn't going to play tonight. I, of course, being the big ego'd headed person I am, said yes... When we started playing the first song I did alright, then again with the second, but then I got all messed up and started slowing way down or playing the wrong chord, or making something totally random up mixing two chords together etc, It didn't sound pretty, I'm sure. but it was the FIRST time I had played;

• in front of more than 3 people at a time
• with someone on drums, a bass and people singing
• on stage
• not for my own enjoyment
• for God
• on a wednesday night
• in the church
• etc etc

and Steve said I did just fine, although I think he may have been making some of it up to make me feel better (lol).

Then Matt came up and gave his message on how to prepare people to hear the good news and even challenged us to really think about our salvation. (By now, I've gotten this feeling, this intense strange feeling, I'd felt calm. I'd felt more calm than I have in the past 4 months combined. It felt good needless to say) He said he'd been struggling on whether to do this one or not but God said someone in the crowd needed to hear it. That someone, was me. It really made me think about my salvation and my Christian life, and the rollercoaster ride I've put myself on. So God, and Matt, thank you for presenting tonight. It's really helped me think about who God wants me to be and where I need to get going.

I would ask anyone who reads this to pray for my message next Wednesday and that I'll keep myself in line in order to give it, I do not want to go up there like a hippocrate teaching what I don't practice myself.

We're Going to the Zoo... Wait a Second, I LIVE IN ONE!!!

Well, we went to the Omaha Zoo with the youth group on saturday, and I thought it would be fun to bring my 8 year old cousin, Caitlin, it was, until it was time to come home... God, I do not want kids, Amen... She was really good all day, chasing (and actually touched two) peacocks, playing with Charly, and seeing the animals. She jumped from person to person as far as holding people's hands, first it was Micky's, then mine, then Sheri's, then Casey's, then Casey and Sheri's!!! (I'll upload a picture later that will convince you these two are meant to have kids)

It was quite an eventful day, first Caitlin got a crush on Andrew, (sorry dude, it was cute and funny, apparently you're pretty hot stuff to all the 8 and 9 year olds lol jk) and was constantly asking on the way there "Where's Andrew?!?!?!?!?!" and then we got to lunch, we had an hour and could have gone anywhere from Fazzoli's to BK to RED LOBSTER!!! and Caitlin chooses... McDonalds Wah wah waaaaahhh... so after lunch we go on to Omaha, and there's a big College Baseball game going on right next to the zoo, we parked probably 3/4 to a mile away from the zoo, and Charly (who will from now on be referred as to Chuck) needed a hat to keep her out of the sun, so we go to the giftshop... BIG NO NO!!!!Caitlin wanted to buy and wanted to buy RIGHT NOW!!! So after callin' Mama and explainin the whole situation, she finally said ok we''ll wait. The rest of the day was fine and fun until it was time to leave... one four letter word you never wanna hear at when you've parked a long ways away, R-A-I-N... it started to sprinkle but we could tell it was going to pour, we got in and out of the giftshop as soon as we could. I picked up Caitlin and started to walk with Casey, Sheri, Micky, Chuck to the vehicles, the others had gone ahead. We ran and walked and jogged and I even walked backwards and passed people, it was an exhausting walk... but we made it!

It's Funny how Song Lyrics can Sum up a Life...

I was listening to the radio and heard this song and thought about my life in this particular time... I realize it's not very promising but the part that really describes it is in bold and the part that really really describes it is in bold and italics... say what you will, the truth is the truth.

Artist: Shinedown
Song: Burning Bright

I feel like there is no need for conversation
Some questions are better left without a reason
And I would rather reveal myself than my situation
Now and then I consider, my hesitation
The more the light shines through me
I pretend to close my eyes
The more the dark consumes me
I pretend I'm burning, burning bright

I wonder if the things I did were just to be different
To spare myself of the constant shame of my existence
And I would surely redeem myself in my desperation
Here and now I'll express, my situation

[CHORUS (2)]

There's nothing ever wrong but nothing's ever right
Such a cruel contradiction
I know I cross the lines its not easy to define
I'm born to indecision
There's always something new some path I'm supposed to choose
With no particular rhyme or reason

[CHORUS (2)]

Jeep Rider's Disease... aka ouch

Back in WWII over 70,000 soldiers were ailed with what was known as "Jeep Rider's Disease" or a Pilonidal Cyst. It is basically a cyst on the coccyx, or tailbone. They only occur in .026% of the US population, so I guess I can say I'm a new member of a club that's very rare to get into... Oh how I wish I wasn't... It hurts, it hurts to sit down, it hurts to lay down, it hurts to drive, it hurts to ride, it hurts to bend over, it hurts... period. So here's my initiation story to this elite club...

Osborn; 1545 hours; phone call, to "Dad"

"Is there any way you can do the mowing at the city park, it hurts really bad to sit down on this thing, i think my broken tailbone is moving"
Dad- "Well it won't get done today but I guess if you can't do it you can't do it"
Me- "Thanks dad"
END PHONE CALL

Cameron; 1415 hours
I tell mom my tailbone is hurting and I need a doc appointment. I schedule one for 0800 hours Monday 16 June 2008. I go to church after icing it for a while. When I return home, it hurts even worse. Mom and I watch TV until 2115 hours and I go to dad's, sitting on a pillow the whole drive.

Osborn; 2145 hours; pain level, 7.5; medication of choice, Aleve.
I tell dad, and it is obvious, I'm in pain. We go to bed shortly after.

Osborn; Thursday 12 June 0045 hours; bed; pain level, 9
I called mom, in tears the pain was so bad. I couldn't sleep because I couldn't find a comfortable position to lay in due to the pain. She said we'd get an earlier appointment and to try to fall asleep. I went in and finally fell asleep. I don't get service in dad's house so when she tried calling and texting me, I never got them. I was awakened by the sound of the door opening and mom looking for me. I got up and we decided to go to the ER.

Cameron; 0155 hours; pain level 8
We get to the ER and tell them we think it's my Tailbone. The doctor looks at it and instantly says, look's like a Pilonidal Cyst to me. They gave me a shot, I will never figure out how they fit a golfball through the surrenge, and some pain meds, sent my pained little butt home.

Cameron; 0250 hours; pain level 6
We got home and ate some cereal, I went to bed around 0430 hours when I could finally sleep.

Cameron; 0900 hours; painlevel 5
I woke up, took my medicines and laid on the couch bored as a 2X4 all day. Nothing really happened.

Cameron; 1500 hours; painlevel 2 (thank you pain pills, or no thanks?)
I had started feeling sick and thought it was possibly the pain pills. I called the doctors office and they said just take Aleve instead of them. I threw up immediately after hanging up. I haven't taken them since, felt fine since then too.

and the rest of the story is boring, just like me sitting around for two days!

I have to have surgery soon to have it drained, this could put me out of work for a while UGH! I hate not working. not working = no money!

Prayers would be nice, but not necessary... or are they???

thank you for reading my ridiculous blog that i made into a military log for no reason!

Haven't done this in a while...

Well... I couldn't let the entire month of May go without a look into my mind... so, here goes nothing. Just an update if you will...

School is out... Yay!
Summer is not cold... YAY!
Summer is not terribly hot... yet :(
I have a job still...Yay!
My guitar came...YAY!!!
It's harder than I had expected... oh well I'll get over it
My spiritual life has hit a low... ouch
I'm struggling to pick it back up... double ouch
I have more skeletons in my closet than a moratorium (no I do not know what it means but I expect it has skeletons)


So now that I'm done with my smart-alleck posting.... here goes the "real thing" although I don't think it is going to be too long. First, you may have noticed it said May not June, that's because I started this post in May but had to leave to go to Carrie's with mom for a fun day with the boys... more about that later... so I'm continuing this in June... Yesterday (yes later has come) mom and I went to Carrie's and picked them up for a day out of fun... We went to the Nelson something or other Art Museum... being an art fan, I LOVED IT!!!! I ACTUALLY GOT TO SEE A REAL POLLOCK AND A REAL MONET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (a few Monet's actually)
It was a fun time and I'm glad I went


I was thinking about doing this in another separate blog but I decided not to....

{THOSE OF YOU WHO DON"T LIKE SAD/ OR SOMEWHAT FRIGHTENING STORIES...STOP READING HERE}

I would have titled it poison: the slow slippage like sewage into my small world...

Lately I've been feeling like I'm a college student stuck in a high school student's life. I watch tv shows and movies, or go places, like the art museum, and see college students living life like they want to, not having to worry about parents nagging them (sorry mom, no offence, you don't really nag me) They have fun and enjoy life, they have boyfriends/girlfriends who care about them and for them to care about, and I'm realizing that I don't want this highschool life, I want that life. but really i'm just being a typical human, always wanting what we can't have. I, as a human, have emotional and mental needs, but i don't really know, i could just be so lost in my own little world i've built up around me that i could be a maniac and not even realize this... i want that life now, i want someone to care for/about me. i want to be able to express myself with art and not care about who sees it or what they think... idk now i'm just rambling... maybe i am just crazy... it sure feels that way sometimes. more on this later....

Putting Me in My Place

The past couple of days I've had some jobs to do for the 30 Hour Famine and tonight, I started to feel important and like I could just take things from there without God, prideful if you will. Well God didn't like that too much and I think He showed me in a very interesting way. Tonight at youth, during worship, we were singing and things were going fine, yes even without Steve, (HE BETTER BE BACK NEXT WEEK!!! no offense Andrew, you were good but Worship w/o a guitar is different lol...) and all of a sudden, I knock not one but TWO chairs over at the same time, like dominoes, they just toppled over and made a huge commotion right in the middle of worship, I FELT TERRIBLE!!! I pretty much knew that God showed me that I was getting too prideful and I needed to step back and look at what He has been doing in my life these past X months... It just amazed me

RUNNING PARTNER NEEDED!!!

Any takers???

• Any and every possible night...
• Good pace, not slow or walking
• At least a mile for the first week then gradually more
• Preferably already runs, or easily gets into habits of running
• Doesn't talk much during run, I like to listen to music, it's easier for me to concentrate on running

Sometimes I Feel Like a Monster... Sometimes I Feel Like a Saint

As Christians, this is a very applicable statement to each of our walks with Christ... We do things that are pleasing to Christ, but then turn back around and do things that make us feel like Monsters because we have conviction in our hearts from the Holy Spirit... This is a feeling I've been feeling a lot lately... It's hard, ya know, I mean, I'm not trying to make an excuse for myself or anything but it's hard to break away from your old self when trying to create a new one. These past few months I've been battling myself and Satan both just to become someone new, someone Christ would approve of, someone I can be happy with when I lay down at night knowing that if tomorrow doesn't come, I'll make Christ proud when I get up there.

This statement, Sometimes I feel like a monster, sometimes I feel like a saint, is a lyric to the song "Favorite Disease" by Thousand Foot Krutch... It seems like everytime I start to fall away from God, He sends me a new song or a new album or a new band for that matter, in this case, it was just a new album, The Flame In All of Us by TFK. Particularly the songs "Falls Apart" and "Favorite Disease". The lyrics in these songs apply to my life so much right now it's not funny and the more I listen to them the more they get to me.

Basically what I'm asking for is prayer, for strength and courage in this battle against myself and Satan, I can't do it on my own, only with and through Christ. I ask, and this is rare, that if you read this and really think you have some helpful advice, firstly, post it on here so I can re-read it, and secondly, if you see me somewhere, just stop me if you/I have the time and tell me, talk to me, and thirdly, if they're Bible verses, write them down or make sure I write them down so I can see them later...

With thanks and love
Travis

TFK

R-R-RRR-RRichard Green

These past three days, as many of you know, was the church's revival. First I would like to say that a Revival right after D-Now is definitely the right way to go!!!! First you spend an entire weekend dwelling on God, then you get three more nights of Him, followed up by youth group!!!! Definitely a good way to strengthen your walk with the Lord. I know It has for me.

This year I finally figured out why they call it a revival. It's simple, it's three nights with a different pastor than you're used to, a different music leader, and a completely different way of seeing God. I love this!

The speaker this year was Richard Green, an evangelist born in South Africa, spoke to us and to me in such a way I/ you couldn't help but connect with God. I learned so much from him and this revival that I can't begin to explain it. The best I can is to say that there were/are emotions going through me that I've experienced before, but are still completely new in the same time!! God really made sure my focus was on Him and His plan for me. There have been a number of occasions where I heard or thought something during the day and Richard spoke about it that night!! On Monday afternoon on my way home from school, I was listening to 97.3 KLove and the first song I heard was talking about walking through the valley of the shadow of death and how God always provides!!! Then tonight, he mentioned (Rrrr)Romans 12:2, which is the verse I'm memorizing right now! Then again tonight, he was talking about something, I don't remember but you'll see why in a minute, and all of the sudden I had a flashback to a dream I had some time ago. In the dream, I was sitting in the 2nd pew, looking up at a man. He looked exactly like Richard, and I now know that he was Richard in the dream, after he said this statement (I really wish I could remember what it was he said) I nodded and the poof! the rapture had happened, and I say this as if after it happened instead of being me, I was now a camera floating in mid air, because I saw my clothes, along with Richard's clothes and his Bible, falling to the floor!!!!!!!! It was just eerie to me that this dream could happen at any moment, even right now as you're reading th.............. (jk)... this, Jesus could come back and in a blink of an eye we would all be called back to Him as people who know and love Him. but then it got me thinking about my dad, who I don't think is saved, and I had already invited him to tonight's service and he later told me no he wasn't coming. I cry most of the time I think about the rapture because I know my dad will be one of those who just look around and wonder where everyone went. I hope and pray every day that he can be one of us who are pulled to Jesus when the clouds open up. So right now I ask you to pray for him and to keep him in your prayers, he needs Jesus, to accept the gift that has been given to us by God's loving grace, the gift we are not worthy of but still recieve because Christ died an intolerably painful death and the three days later came back to show that He is God!! AMEN! So again I ask you to pray for him and that he would come to know Jesus, but that you pray for me to, that God would give me the courage, guidance, words, and knowlege to speak to my dad.

In Christ, love ya'll
Travis!

Three Minute Story

WATCH THIS AND SEND IT TO ANYONE YOU CARE ABOUT!!!

D-NOW '08 (0NT1NU3D

Well... I'll continue from where I left off, as far as I remember...

This year's DNow was a good learning experience for me and most of the other boys. We did a lot of things that really encouraged me to be a better Christian and God showed me that I don't have to hear an audible voice in my head to hear and know He's talking to me, it could just be a gut feeling, He could, like this weekend, make me sick so that I concentrate on Him more, sounds funny but it's true, God made me sick with allergies so that I paid attention more... in all retrospect, God used flowers to bring me to a place I would hear Him.

We did have one huge and pleasant surprise... Cody Simmons, after the weekend was over and during invitation at the end of church, walked up and accepted Christ. I'm so proud of him for knowing and wanting to get his life right with God. I would ask everyone keep him in their prayers that God would show him and that he would be receptive to God!

We were all extremely sore and exhausted after all was said and done, after all of the wrestling and marshmallow (shot) gun shooting, (no seriously, we put like 22 marshmallows in this thing and George used the air mattress air pump to shoot these things, it got like a 10 foot spread!). In all, I can't begin to describe the passion, the excitement, the glory, the Presence of God, the fun and the pure joy of this weekend... the only way I could is to invite you to next years... so let me encourage you to open your home to some crazy youth, to see lives changed, to see friendships formed, to see God move through the hearts of young people. and if you're a youth, let me encourage you to join next year's D-Now, you won't forget nor regret it!!!!

In Christ,

Travis

D-NOW '08

Well... This weekend was Disciple Now 2008! I had a blast, just like every other D-Now I've gone to. This year I wasn't all that excited about it until I actually got to Randy and Marcia Smith's, the home I stayed in, and started to get to know the guys. We had an interesting group of college students... One has died twice, another is really just a big kid at heart, and the other one is pretty much normal, until you talk about Trogdor the Burninator...
I really didn't think that anything could top last years, but I was wrong. This years was just as good, if not better in some aspects. I did get to see some of the guys from last year (girls too) and we got to catch up on things. There were only two groups, one boys one girls. There were physical competitions (the girls cheated) and baking competitions... Which brings me to the can of Alaskan Salmon pictured above... Our group thought it would be funny to cook salmon and then mix it in with the cake batter and bake it right into the cake...mmmmmm.

We didn't get to build bikes but the groups baked cookies and gave them out to people around town asking if we could pray for them. My group baked them and gave them to the Veterans at the Veteran's Home down the road, that was a really humbling experience. I am extremely tired from being all sick-like from allergies all weekend so I'm going to continue later, but it'll be good, so stay tuned!

Disease

Well.... from the title of this blog you can probably tell it's not going to be a happy one... and it's one that really hits hard and I'm going to state this up front... I would really appreciate if nobody will comment on this or talk to me about it, even if you think you have really good advice or have been through it before, it won't help me. I just really need to get this out and it's going to be really hard for me to press the publish post button, but I'm going to because I need to put this on paper or something...

loneliness is a disease that starts in the core of your heart and eats from the inside out until you're something you don't even recognize. That's the way I see it anyhow... As a 16 year old guy, I'm starting to look more inward and see flaws and things I don't like about myself. One of the biggest things I see about myself is that I have spent a ton of my life single and secluded from the rest of the world, even when you think I'm having a good time or that I'm happy, I'm probably not. I look at my "relationships" and not one of them really "count", none last more than a week and I haven't had any in over 6 months and before that it was like a year. Now I'm not saying that there's nothing wrong with being single, that can be fun too. But I'm a really emotion driven person and when I look at other people and see happyness with a boyfriend/girlfriend or even a husband and wife, I immediately remember I don't have that and its like another grenade goes off in the pit of my already war torn shattered heart. I constantly think about who I like or who likes me and I never ever come up with a match. Idk, it seems like I'm rambling on about the same old stuff but this is really what hits me a lot.

(from here on you can comment on this content)

I think this is a reason why that 8 month or so period I got so far from God. I just let the disease inside take over and couldn't feel anything. and I know I'm supposed to give it to God and let Him fill the void but I have such a hard time feeling him, I'm a really direct kinda person and
when I pray over and over for Him to fill that void but I still don't feel it being filled it makes it hard to keep praying. and I'm pretty sure the problem there is that I say I gave it to Him but I don't think I really am.... Idk but I'm going to continue to try

ATTENTION!!!

ATTN: ALL ADULTS WHO LOVE JESUS AND ROCK N' ROLL, THERE IS A Skillet/ Thousand Foot Krutch/ Decyfer Down CONCERT IN SPRINGFIELD MO ON APRIL 8th, 2008, IT IS ON A TUESDAY. I NEED AN ADULT TO TRAVEL AND MAYBE GO TO THE CONCERT WITH ME IF YOU WANT TO (I hear parking lots are boring). IF YOU'RE INTERESTED, POST ON THIS BLOG OR EMAIL ME AT shad623@gmail.com FOR MORE DETAILS.... THANK YOU!!

Just an ^Date!

Well... I haven't blogged in a while.... so I figured I would tonight, and here I am...

It's been about a week since I last blogged and idk really what to say... Things are going pretty good in my Walk with Jesus. I would rate it a 7.5 from a scale of 1-10, 10 being the closest I've ever felt to God. I'm getting up early almost every morning (sometimes that snooze button gets the best of me and then today I accidentally hit off instead of snooze and didn't realize it, by then I only had 20 minutes to get ready for school), probably 4 to 5 mornings a week I'm up early to spend time with Him. I do like those times too, they help me prepare for the challenges ahead and let me know that God's there ready to fight with/for me whenever! I do spend quiet time with Him every night before I go to bed. Those times are the ones that I really get into the Bible, but I wish I understood more, I pray for that a lot. I can definitely see Satan tempting and harassing me in the worst personal ways possible, he really knows how to get me and I don't like it.

On a different note I'm 75% sure that I'm getting a Guitar, a Gibson SG, with a Gibson Amp, guitar case, tuner, picks, strap and cd/dvd to go along with it. Steve has agreed to teach me chords and hopefully I'll be playing in the youth Praise Band in a few months! I'm really looking forward to it and hoping God will help me to remember what the chords are and where my fingers go etc...

Come Together... Right Now... Because of Him!

So I was at youth tonight, which btw, was awesome and I thought Casey handled the "controversy"(not really controversy but like walking on eggshells) of 1 Timothy 2:8-15 very well. And afterwards I went over to the gym and David M. needed someone to ride with him to Rockwood Village so he could drop off the kids, I usually go with him anyway so I went again. (Nancy, I am responsible for the running and again, I apologize) And on the way there they started singing a song that I'd never heard before, it went "God is good, God is good, God is good... (i kinda forgot the rest but it went over what Jesus did for us)" and that amazed me that these young kids wanted to sing these songs! Usually they want to talk about the wrestling match or what new toys they got etc... but they wanted to sing songs about God! Jesus is moving in the young ones of the church.

So I got back and it was like 20 minutes till gym was over, I didn't do alot but then a youth said he was going to walk home when it was time. I told him I'd give him a ride but he said no, its not far he'd just walk, Casey and I both said that it was too cold to walk and he agreed to the ride. Well we got in my truck and I told him I had to put on my music before I left.... Little side note about my music if you haven't read my previous blog, I deleted ALL the non-Christian songs off of there and I went from over 1000 songs, to about 145.... I had it playing some TFK (a Christian Rock Band) and he turned to me and said, "Dude, you like rock?!?!" and I replied with the most honest answer I have ever given, "No doubt!". So we started talking about music and he had never heard of Decyfer Down or Skillet or Superchic[k] so I played some of each and he really liked them. We got to talking about lots of other stuff and I encouraged him to get into his Bible and pray every day, I told him that it would be hard but if I can, he can. So I would ask that you all lift him up to Jesus, he is saved but is still a "new Christian" and has already been "lost" like I had been after Romania once and I don't want that to happen to him. I told him about D-Now and I'm pretty sure he's going, I hope he's in my group (maybe Casey will make an exception). well... its Alone Time with God so I'll post later

ATF and the AFT...{AFTermath}... [Part Deux]

So it's been a couple of days since ATF and I can already start to see God work in my life. But I can also see Satan fighting with his full force. This tells me two things. God is strong and strong in me, and Satan is ScArEd! So I ask for your prayers that I will remain strong in Him and He in me. The biggest part of the old me I'm trying to get rid of is the trashy music loving old me, I love Christian Rock, I have since I started going to church three years ago, but now it's empowering... I feel bad though because the only way I have of getting it is illegally and stealing from the bands. I have the Decyfer Down, Michael Gungor and the Comatose Cd's but not many others, no job= no Cd's... :-(
I've always liked Pillar and Superchic[k] and Red and Third Day and bands like that too... grrr, who invented money?! Anyway... I've been waking up early and reading my Bible and going to bed early to read it and spend time with God. One thing I've found about my alone time is when I have the MGB Cd playing I get distracted by the songs b/c I love the worship in it... I find myself three verses in and have this "lump" in my throat, its more like tears are trying to come out along with sounds of joy and happiness and other praises all at the same time and I feel like I'm going to burst when it happens!!!!!!!!! I've never had that feeling before. well... its time for me and Jesus again so I'll continue another time!

(I've memorized this)

I Timothy 4:12
Do not let people look down on you because you are young, but be an example for the believers, in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity

God Bless

God brings people together in the weirdest ways...

At ATF last weekend we sat in front of another youth group. But God intended for this, he knew that there would be a point in the show that i would be able to make one of my smart remarks. Well, this bald guy was sitting behind us, I don't remember why but I got the opportunity to make a bald joke and I took it, he was very cool about it, laughed and said where's the love? I said "Don't get me wrong, I love bald people. I would shave my head if I didn't have this dip right in the middle of it" He felt it and sure enough its there. Well, we didn't get a chance to sit near them on Saturday because we got there late and they were moved, I saw him in the concourse and said hi, well he didn't really remember me and I'm glad he didn't. His name is Nemo. We got to talking and found out we're really alike in a lot of ways. We're fighting the same battles and think God is calling us to similar areas. We exchanged info and have been keeping each other notified and have been helping each other out, him more than me but hey, my time will come. I really just want to thank God for having us meet that weekend... I'm a better person for it, and I'm stronger in Him because of it.


P.S.
I want to thank everyone from Teen Mania who have been sending me emails and encouragements about my previous blog... They've helped a bunch and have really boosted my "God High"... or thrown wood onto the Fire burning inside of me.

ATF and the AFT...{AFTermath}

This weekend was Acquire the Fire in KC. I can't really explain why I wanted to go in the first place, I had become really numb to God and what He wants for me. I don't mean that I could feel Him there and I just didn't listen, I felt like i was TOTALLY 100% numb to Him, His presence, and anything that had to do with Him. I felt like I was just putting on a mask every time I went to church or youth group. Well the first night of ATF I prayed to God to break the numbness and the "rock" that I had formed around my heart for the past 7 or 8 months, I prayed that He would speak to me and use the vibrations of the music to crack and chip and break away that rock. I wanted to run full throttle back to God. See, during this prayer, I still didn't feel anything, all I knew was that my mind hated this feeling too so I couldn't imagine my soul on the inside of this tiny rock called my heart, so I put on the mask once more in order to "look Christian" and to try to enjoy it.But I didn't really "enjoy" the first night, I was struggling with my demons and felt like I needed to worship and listen intently to what they were saying. So on Saturday, I prayed again that God would break the rock around my heart even further than last night, and He did. During one of the earlier worship segments, He did. I got on my knees and thanked Him and told Him I was back and I intended to stay. I asked Him to be with me in every aspect of the life He had given me, to keep me with Him through all of my life, I told Him that I was His servant and anything He asked, I'm His man, I was ready to take on the world in the name of Jesus, and I am! With Him by my side, mountains will tremble!!! Satan shrudders at this thought and you know what, I say he deserves that at the very least. I continued to worship all through the weekend, the bands played and completely ROCKED! and I got to re-connect with God, I am hoping and praying that God and I never get further apart, only closer together. I felt, and still feel, that He is calling me to be a speaker at these types of events, and I'm ready to do whatever it takes to make that happen, so long as He is by my side!!! One of the bands that played, Decyfer Down, has a song that goes like this...

Burn Back the Sun...
Verse 1:
I take a walk in the bitter cold,
I try to see your face,
The way it used to be,
The sky was never grey,
There was a time when I let you in,
You turned my night to day,
But I turned you away

Chorus:
Burn back the sun,
Bring back the fire wands,
Blazing inside this heart-o-cage
Burn back the sun,
You were the only one
To love me with passion's quiet rage

I have tasted the apathy,
It's bitter on my lips,
I am not who I used to be,
Betrayal with a kiss,
Open mouth for the prodigal,
You kept the flame alive,
You keep this flame alive

Chorus

Rage, quiet rage

Chorus 2x

Burn Back The Sun...


I hope and pray every day that He keeps the Flame in me a blazing fire for Him, that it would attract people to me to share Him with them and maybe lead them to Christ. Well... it's time for quiet time with the big "J" so I'll finish later

Starting over...

If I could start over, new town, new vehicle, new school, new house, new state even... I would, in a heartbeat. I'm so sick of caring for people who don't care for me, I'm sick of feeling like I don't fit in, I'm sick of wanting to dress a certain way but not having the money to or the fear of being called "fake". I'm sick of being a cast away. I wanna start over, maybe college will give me that chance... I hope it will, I really do

Snow Days SUCK!!!

Snow days suck..... thats all there is to it, nothing to do except stuff i can't mention on the internet because i'd probably be grounded for life (get your mind outta the gutter).... i'll give you one hint, we start the day off with a bang... then we clean whatever mom tells us to and then watch tv, occasionally we'll find something fun to do but not often.....they really suck. but hey, atleast i don't have to deal with the bs goin on at school

Lost...

I'm lost.... I don't know where I'm headed, I don't know who my friends are, I don't even feel like i have friends at all, I don't feel like I belong anywhere, not even when I'm sleeping. I just don't know who I am lately. I never feel "all-right", I'm always looking for something to do. I consider moving like every hour because I hate it here, the thoughts running through my mind scare me, it's almost as if they're chasing someone down with a knife and that someone is me. I wish I could rip the emotion part of me out and throw it in a blender, turn it on, put some dynamite in it, find a hole that went 500 miles into the ground, light it and drop.... BOOM, no more emotion... no more sadness, no more hurt, no more feeling empty because the girl I've liked since 4th grade doesn't like me and never will, no more wanting to move out, nothing, just a plain life, like a robot or something like that, it'd be great, you know??? to just hide from all of it, but then i'm even more worthless because i'm not contributing anything to anyone, not even myself. God i wish i could cuss in this thing but idk who's going to read it. right now i feel like the whole world is spinning and i'm getting sicker and sicker on the inside. i wish i'd puke it all up and be done with it... I wish i could do something radical, like a "total makeover" i feel like i'm being someone i'm not because thats the way i was raised, i wish i could really come out of my skin and be me, be the me that i think, no, i know i could be. like change my hair, and clothes, my classes, my friends, well some of them..... maybe moving to a new school would help, too bad i can't.... well, i'm going

A list of things I want to do before I'm 25

1. Sky Dive
2. Get a Bachelor's in something
3. Paint something I REALLY like
4. Learn to play Electric Guitar
5. Learn to Snow Board
6. Get much better in my artistic abilities, like Huck or better
7. Get closer to God...
8. Find my sense of self
9. Draw and get a tattoo that means something to me, or I'll, have another close friend draw it
   

This is an unfinished list...

We all have our own reality...

This statement is so true, we all have our own reality. Our minds bend and deprave the world into ways that we can understand, appreciate, or face the real world. For now, this is all I'm gonna say, lately, I've been trying to figure out a lot of things, like my future, who my real friends are, where I am spiritually, my style of art, what music i really like. basically, I'm trying to figure out ME......I don't know how i'm going to or if i ever will, I've talked to alot of people that i really respect and look up to and they, at 30 and 40, haven't figured out themselves yet, which has really put my mind at ease...